She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
