i think i have herpe
just one?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
