Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
