I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
