My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize