My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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