this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
