fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
