Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You can't just leave with hair like that
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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