I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Your dad touched me again.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
