Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
