nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
