My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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