She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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