I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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