Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
