This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
