My room smells like vodka and shame
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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