You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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