He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
