we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
