Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
