Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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