You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
