Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
