Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We were destined to go to rehab together
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
