About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I want to fling myself into the sun
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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