I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
