you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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