i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
