glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
