Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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