she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
