I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
