I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize