Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
