So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
