anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Four minutes until I can fart!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
