I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
