totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
