Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
