In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
