You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
