alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
