if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
