just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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