i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize