I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
