sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
