We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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