Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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