I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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