His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm having to shit out rocks
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
