After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
