I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
