remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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