You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ruined the universe
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
