I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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