I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
