I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
