There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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