I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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