Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
